I never knew that I can actually walk through tunnels. It almost gave me a panic attack though. It was long but it kept me going to know that there’s light at the end of the tunnel.
“Just because you can doesn’t mean you should”….recently, I’ve been seeing this quote everywhere on the internet. This sounds like it’s addressed to people like me who are very patient, generous and empathetic perhaps a little more than we should. It might also apply to people like Jeffery Dahmer. Just because you can butcher and eat humans doesn’t mean you should.
There are lots of things and people in the world I put up with not because I’d like to but because I can. However, today’s little incident made me see the world a little differently…actually it kind of woke me up. So I went to this little restaurant for lunch where they sell cheap pasta. It is owned by a very famous Korean chef who catered to young college students: low price, large portion and friendly to people who come alone. This afternoon, I happened to be working in the area so I decided to give it a try. However, when I went there, it was fully packed. The hostess approached me and asked me “How many people?” and I said “one person.” She said that it might take a while until they come up with an available seat. I casually shrugged and said “No problem” because I wasn’t that much hungry anyway. She then kind of pushed me out to the door saying that their policy didn’t allow indoor waiting. I thought that I didn’t hear her correctly but she repeated that with a little aggressive and dismissive hand gesture pointing at the door. It was as if I was asking for a free meal. WTF? I was mostly frustrated ‘cause it was really freezing outside. As she insisted, I didn’t have any other choice but to go out….to wait for my turn in the cold. However, within a few seconds, I changed my mind and walked right away. I didn’t end up eating there. So what happened in those few seconds? I swear to God it was not even me who made that abrupt decision of declaring “Bye Felicia” I felt it was divine intervention. Perhaps, somehow her attitude triggered me and reminded me of my past…shits I put up with…simply because I could. I let people walk all over me and often volunteered to be their maid just because I was born with extra empathy and compassion. But as you might have guessed, my kind heart was never really reciprocated. Right after that hostess treated me badly (although I genuinely believed that it was their policy), I suddenly heard this voice “No, she can’t treat you like that. Don’t forget you are an EMPRESS. You are such a precious gem because you’re my daughter. So screw that bitch and go eat somewhere else”…said God presumably. As I left, the word “empress” kept ringing in my ear. It was not me being a snob but rather it was a realization that if I keep letting people treat me badly, it would not only dishonor who I am but also dishonor God, my creator. I would have been more tolerant if I were in good health but I was already overwhelmed with my medical condition, I didn’t need extra shit to make me feel like shit. I ended up eating at another restaurant where the price was double but the service was decent. At least, they treated me with respect and politeness which I surely deserved not because I was their customer but because I was a fellow human being. I am not a saint but that’s what I would do with anyone I come across on my path…anyone at all…of every color, gender, religion and social/financial status…people in all walks of life. So after that incident, I got to seriously reflect on that famous quote again: Just because I can doesn’t mean I should. Just because I don’t mind sleeping on the bedbug infested bed doesn’t mean I should. Just because I am fine with hikikomori life doesn’t mean I should live like an island. Just because I get used to buying the lowest quality meat at the supermarket (thanks to my father’s frugal DNA) doesn’t mean I should. Just because I have faith in humanity doesn’t mean I should give any motherfuckers benefits of doubt. Just because I am the lowest maintenance woman you could find doesn’t make me any less of an empress. My empire might be only the size of your closet now but that doesn’t automatically make me your inferior. I refuse to fold your dirty underwear for freakin’ twenty bucks. I refuse to be your free therapist, free photographer, free writer…free anything because that would dishonor what God has given me…my talent, my genius, my passion and my good heart which I’d still like to use…this time for all the right people and in all the right places. No matter what, nothing changes my belief that this world could benefit a lot from people like me…lonely lighthouses who are ridiculously misunderstood and unfairly judged. After all, the world is overpopulated with lost & confused TikTok zombies who are in urgent need of high priestesses, wizards, or fools on the hills. As God’s faithful worker and tool, I wish to be fully used someday. Until then, my job is not to forget my true worth. So whether it’s your policy or not, girl you can’t push me out to the cold. You just can’t. Don’t you know who I am? Don’t you? I am an empress. No, actually I am “the” empress. I am what I say I am
I am sick, weak and fat but I am extraordinary I’ve been just chasing things quite unreal something like the truth I’ve been just wondering why I am not allowed to say what I really mean I’m dreaming of the world kind of like what I am exactly what it says it is No ulterior motives No hidden agendas No lies and backstabbings I can forgive the ugly I can live with the stupid I even like the crazy But I can’t take two face Perfect great amazing BS No you’re not fuckin’ fine You can envy me pity me You can even fantasize but the truth never changes I am what I say I am Hurt, afraid and overwhelmed Mostly endlessly dreaming… . . . My everyday exit song from Mary’s hospital where boy angels' energy lifts my spirit up… “Ugliness is a kind of death... As long as I'm beautiful, I'm alive more than others” -from Cleo 5 to 7
“I got no time to lose 내 길었던 하루, 난 보고 싶어 Ra-ta-ta-ta 울린 심장 (Ra-ta-ta-ta) I got nothing to lose 널 좋아한다고 ooh-whoa, ooh-whoa, ooh-whoa Ra-ta-ta-ta 울린 심장 (Ra-ta-ta-ta) But I don't want to Stay in the middle Like you a little Don't want no riddle 말해줘 say it back, oh, say it ditto 아침은 너무 멀어 so say it ditto”
“I'm afraid of everything - birds, storms, lifts, needles - and now, this great fear of death...” - from Cleo 5 to 7Genre: Sci-Fi, Fantasy, Horror Synopsis: When Gretchen, a highly advanced A.I. receives a real human female organ transplant by Big Daddy, a very ambitious scientist who is obsessed with the notion of Goethe’s “Eternal Feminine”, some other foreign element gets accidentally inserted inside that her silicone body isn’t quite ready to handle yet…which leads to deadly inflammation and disfigurement.
Brainstorming tracks
“It takes twelve women and a shovel to imitate the depth she provides...”128: Hello. This is Seodaemoon District Office. How may I help you? Me: Hi. There is a dead animal…road kill lying in the middle of the road near Choongjeongro bus station. It’s getting crushed by cars. Please help. 128: Oh…I see. But this is the environment department. For that, you should contact the sanitation & cleaning department. Me: But this is the number Google gave me. 128: Um…let me look what we can do first and call you back. OK? 3 minutes later, I got a call. Man: Hello. This is the sanitation department. You were the one who reported a dead animal, right? Where is it? Me: Hi. It’s near Choongjeongro bus station. It’s literally right in front of that station. Man: (a little irritated) Which one? There are many bus stations in Choongjeongro. Me: Hold on. I have the exact number of the station. It’s the station number 02107. (Haha. Gottcha. Now you can’t back off) Man: Ok. (beat) What was it exactly? Me: It was a cat. . . . Yes, it was a cat but I wasn’t sure at first. I was supposed to get new pair of glasses the day before but I didn’t have time. My eyesight has gotten worse lately so I initially thought it was a big leaf. Then, I heard bone cracking noise and saw blood stains on the ground. It was a little kitty. There are many road kills in Seoul so it wasn’t surprising but it didn’t keep me from feeling terribly heartbroken. “What should I do?” said to myself…watching its body crushed as cars ran it over left and right. I looked around….there were a dozen of people…those who were waiting for buses like me or passersbys. I so wished someone would do something about it…or at least acknowledge it…that would have been much easier for me to be able to share this horrible feeling with someone else. However, everyone’s eyes were fixated on their phones… I waited and waited but still nobody looked up while the corpse got more and more destroyed on the asphalt. ‘No shit. So am I the only one who will probably act upon it? Why me? Why do I always see this kind of thing while others don’t? Is it gonna be like this for the rest of my life?’ Then, my bus came and as soon as I got on, I googled “where to report roadkills and dead animals”…and it gave me #128. However, the 128 girl sounded puzzled when I brought up the issue. It sure sounded like nobody had ever done that before…at least while she was working there. It felt weird when she told me that I should have contacted “Sanitation & Cleaning department” because…. it had never occurred to me (at least up until that moment…) the dead cat was categorized as “trash.” Of course, what did I think? Nobody’s going to give a funeral for this insignificant stray kitten. Those street kids are born and die anonymously. Then, as any HSP (Highly Sensitive Personality) or INFP would naturally do, I fell into the deep rabbit hole…of existentialism. Before I knew it, I was comparing my life with that of kitty’s. In fact, I had been dwelling in self pity until I saw “the scene.” I was angry and sad because I got sick….which I still don’t think I deserve. I’ve been nothing but a good person full of love and compassion all my life. Why did this shit happen to me while even dirty hoes, scumbags & chainsmokers are walking around healthy? Why? But then, what about victims of Jeffery Dhamer? Did they deserve to be cut into pieces and eaten by a cannibal? No, it was just an unlucky accident and just like them, I happened to hit the jackpot. It really felt like I too was hit by a car. At least, I will have a proper burial and funeral when I leave this world so… that makes me far more privileged than the road kill lying in the middle of the road…while nobody cares. The man from the sanitation department said he would take care of it but he sounded a little reluctant. It felt like he had more important things to do. Then, I started to blame myself…maybe, I was overreacting. Maybe, it wasn’t even an animal. Maybe, it was a leaf. Maybe, I should have waited until I got new glasses. Last time I spoke to my father 2 years ago, he yelled at me “Your life is shit because you make all the wrong choices.” So…maybe, it was just another wrong choice I made… Anyway, I went to both temple & cathedral afterwards (which I do these-days very often because I need lots of blessings-Walmart style-buy 2 get 1 free) I lit candles both Buddhist & Catholic styles….and I prayed for us…for me and the road kill. I wasn’t sure if the sanitation guy would do the job but I already did what I had to do so the only thing that was left to do was…to let go & let God…and Buddha. I knew my prayers were rarely answered but lately I kind of felt someone up there was actually listening because above anything else, he saved my fuckin’ miserable fatass. So…I was like…what the hell? Let’s just give it a try… As I was leaving the church, I suddenly got a call from an unknown cellphone number. “We got it! We found the cat!” It was the sanitation guy. “Really? Thank you! Thank you very much!” I was so hyped that I almost said I loved him/wanted to give him a big hug but I managed to hold it in. I am not sure if he normally calls people after he gets bodies but he did call me and let me know about the result. I immediately knew it was God himself who did because he wanted to show me that he’s been “listening” to me and I wasn’t wrong. It was not a leaf. It was a poor dead animal indeed and I certainly wasn't overreacting. I was rather "the" only conscious & empathetic person there who was able to notice that. I looked up to the sky feeling so warm and fulfilled. Something deep inside me told me that it was exactly why I came to this world…to see things other people miss…not with a third eye but with my human mortal aging eyes. Most people are just too busy for that. They have far better things to do…like pleasing their parents, making money, being successful and buying houses…or simply watching TikTok. They don’t have time of the day to empathize with those insignificant creatures who are born without anybody’s welcome…and leave this world in a trash bag…that is only if they got really lucky. The world needs HSP weirdos and clowns like me…perhaps much more now than ever. So this is where I stand in this world. Here & now is exactly where I am supposed to be. I surely wish I was in the far better place in life but God has a bigger plan. He knows where and how to use me because he is the one who created me. He will eventually take me to where I wanna go but in the meantime, he is teaching me every little details I should know about myself before I go further…that is entering my ultimate dreamville. What a magical experience that was…and oh so sacred. As I lit candles, I just had one thing to say to that poor kitty who lost its life: I am sorry we humans are like this. We might be the most intelligent species yet most ignorant at the same time. So forgive us and rest in peace. 야옹아, 잘가.
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Queen of BoimiaINFP, MENSA, HSP, Sigma, Indigo, Scorpio, Snake, AB+type, Situs Inversus Totalis, Sacred clown, High priestess & Enfant terrible. She speaks Boimian (보임어) along with Kofranglish & Cospagnol. Archives
April 2024
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